The List

Some of you may remember that a few years ago, I did a blog series called “From my Li’l Notebook of Thoughts.” It was intended to be a weekly shin-dig, but I discontinued it because I didn’t have nearly as many thoughts as I thought that I thought. What you didn’t know was that I still write in the notebook, and it serves as a portion of my soul, forever binding be to the world unless it and six other objects containing my soul are destroyed. Let’s take a peek, shall we?

•  Yo momma’s so fat, she lost her left foot to type 2 diabetes and will never walk again.
• Yo momma’s so fat, she suffered from a myocardial infarction and had to go under intensive heart bypass surgery in order to save her life, then had to take out a second mortgage on her home and sell her car to pay the subsequent medical bills.
• Yo momma’s so fat, she throws up twice a day and slits her wrists because she can never keep up with the impossible physical standards set by the media.
• Idea: turn empty wall next to the door into a “Wall of Shame.”
• You are more depressing than Sophocles in his emo phase.
• Ah, the 1750’s. When a transatlantic trip took a whole month, hot air balloons were high-tech, and America was England’s bitch.
• The worst part about the truth is that it’s true.
• Guns don’t kill people- video games, goth, and rap music do.
• When I get my first car, it will be white, and I’ll name it “honkey.”
• “I’d like to rock her Cashbah.”
• “I’d like to hustle her Van McCoy.”
• “I’d like to do that chick’s ass what MTV did to music- wreck it.”
• “I’d like to infiltrate her Spheres of Influence.”
• “I’d like to make sexual innuendo about her.”
• With that hat, you’ll be the envy of the mental hospital.
• Greeting card idea: You’re not quite as ugly as Carrot Top.
• What if you wanted to file a bunch of folders? Then what would you do?
• Just think- 50 years from know, today will be history. 100 years from now, our movies will be boring. 1000 years from now, nobody will care.
• Just once I’d like to ask my teacher a question and have her reply “I’d could tell you, but I’d rather SHOW you… in song!”
• Whenever I see a sock with no partner, I put it back in the laundry. Who knows? It might meet someone.
• If Jesus were cheddar, he’d be Cheesus.
• The only difference between a good essay and a bad essay is whether or not I wrote it.
• I shave my entire face. Not just my chin and cheeks, but my forehead, too. I call my eyebrows “eyestaches” and my mustache my “Hairy Sanchez.”
• Why do they bother making the top two rungs on ladders if they’re going to put a warning label that says you’re at risk of falling if you stand on them?
• In 2041, Windows XP will be a 40-Year-Old Version.
• There are some people who do nothing all day but think great thoughts. But I have one thing that they haven’t got- a notebook to write them down in!

That’s all for now, chums. DT Out.

Video Games!

I’m sick of all this video game shit. It has been forever since the Wii came out, and people are still clucking on about it as if it cured cancer.

It’s a friggin video game system. It does not bring grandma back to life. It is a little plastic box in your living room that makes you more likely to smash your TV.

Oh, and you Xbox fans, don’t think you’re so smug with your “superior system OMFGBLAARGH!!!” The Xbox, like your mother, is a steaming pile of feces. However, if there’s one thing I hate more than video games, it’s the people who play them. They’re all uptight fanboy pricks who spend months discussing how much they’re going to jerk off to Brawl.

It’s sad to see how many people waste their lives on this shit. Anybody who says that Bioshock, Guitar Heo, Gears of Warcraft or whatever is a “way of life” can go snort a bowl of smegma. A video game is not a way of life. Living in your parent’s basement is a way of life. More accurately, it’s your way of life.